What Self-Care Really Looks Like

This year has been very challenging for me, and it's only February.  Last year--December 9th to be exact--something traumatic occurred and changed my life for[probably]ever.  I'm not really ready to open up about it to thousands of strangers on the internet, but maybe one day I'll get there.  This incident sent me reeling in a way I've never experienced before.  I was totally out of control (in the literal sense), hurt, and scared because of the way things unfolded and continued to play out over the following week.  I was immediately more depressed, sad, and apathetic than I've ever been before.  I would say I was emotionless, because my face didn't change for the entire week, but there were plenty of emotions brewing below the surface.  I cried more in two weeks than I have in 10 years, and at times I felt like I ran out of tears so I would silently sob on the floor of the shower until my lungs could calm down.  It pains me to admit it, but there were several days I did not want to be alive and began formulating plans to make it so.  My anxiety kicked into high gear as I began to catastrophize about the implications this event would have on my future and the rest of my life.  I was free-falling into a bottomless black smoke and it was increasingly harder to think about or interact with anything other than the situation I was in.  There were only a handful of people I felt I could turn to, and they are honestly the reason I am still alive.  I realize this is very vague, intentionally, but the whole story is probably none of your business, especially over the internet... sorry!

The weeks immediately following are still a blur, including Christmas and the handful of days and events leading up to it.  On December 16th I started taking an SSRI to help with PTSD and benzodiazepines to help with anxiety.  The doctor put me on Lexapro (escitalopram) and Xanax (alprazolam).  This was my second time ever being placed on an anti-depressant; the first time was in early college, but to be honest I don't really remember why (I think I was feeling depressed as a side-effect of another medication I was taking at the time, but quickly figured that out).  Previously I was placed on Fluoxetine and I just remember hating it.  I was nervous to try Lexapro after hearing stories from friends (and Kanye West, tbh) but I figured anything was better than how I was feeling at that moment.  I started taking 10MG every night because my doctor warned me it would probably make me drowsy for the first week or two.  I don't know if it was the dosage or just my body's response, but I was drowsy for much longer than that.  I was drowsy all day long, peaking around 2-3pm, and it became almost impossible to put in a full day's work without stopping to sleep.  I felt high or buzzed or in some altered state of mind whenever I was around others and being social.  I lost all my energy and enthusiasm for my job and for life.  I felt like I couldn't think straight.  Mainly, though, I didn't feel my depression lift and if anything, it felt worse.  I was even becoming more depressed because I was missing so much work and so many events due to drowsiness.

EMDR Equipment

In the first week of January I started seeing a new therapist, and I say new because I was seeing someone last year for completely different, "normal" preventive-maintenance reasons.  The therapist I'm now currently seeing specializes in the type of trauma I experienced.  I was skeptical of him at first because he is older, and takes his time when he speaks, but he really does know his stuff.  At my first visit he diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and panic disorder.  I was diagnosed with OCD as a child, but I believe I've outgrown it, and this therapist believes these diagnoses are only disorders when they negatively affect our life, which is not the case for me with OCD anymore.  For all the disorders I have, we've decided EMDR would be a good therapy for me, so we have been working toward that and will probably do our first session this weekend.  There is a lot of groundwork done before you can begin the actual EMDR therapy.  EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing and is a technique used to relieve psychological stress, often stemming from traumatic events.  In the same way that REM sleep allows us to process the events of our day (and conjure our vivid dreams), EMDR allows one to revisit and reprocess a traumatic event to begin healing and preventing future trauma.  It involves the use of lights and pulsators in your hands to help guide your eyes back and forth as the session takes place; recreating the REM state.  I haven't had a full session yet so I can't explain much further, but hey, that's what google and youtube are for. ;)

It was around this same time (early January) that I noticed my left leg going numb.  It started as a slight "pins and needles" feeling in my foot and leg, and eventually they became fully numb.  Over the next week it spread to my right foot and started creeping up the left side of my body.  On top of that, my feet felt freezing cold all the time and I've since purchased a foot warmer for my desk, and acrylic socks to wear around the house.  Thankfully, because I work from home I rarely have to wear shoes or tight pants.  It wasn't until I had a weekend photoshoot where I wore heeled boots and skinny jeans that I realized this was going to be a problem.  Pain shot up my legs for the entire 2 hours of our shoot, and I honestly don't know how I got through it.  Probably yoga breathing (which I'm getting quite good at).  When I got home I had a huge blister on the bottom of my right foot and my back was radiating pain worse than I had ever felt before (I seriously think it was the same pain one would have after throwing their back out).  I began considering alternative medicines.  James and I drove to the local dispensary late in the evening (yes, we went to a weed shop) and bought their strongest nerve-pain cream that they sold.  It cost a pretty penny, but it was worth it.  I took a long bath with a CBD bath bomb, and then applied the cream all over my legs and back.  When I woke up the following morning I had no pain in my legs or back but the numb, tingling sensation was still present.  I made an appointment and met with my primary doctor who was just as baffled as I was about the strange symptoms I was having.  She did a blood panel to test my thyroid, B12, and other factors (which all came back normal) and said the next step would probably be an MRI of my brain to rule out a tumor or other CNS problem.  That really escalated my anxiety surrounding the situation and I felt like the MRI was a bit extreme without trying other things first.  (At this visit I also told my doctor I wasn't feeling improvement from Lexapro, and she suggested taking it in the morning instead of at night, so I made that change.)

Magnetic Needles

Herbs

I did a quick search online and found an acupuncturist in my neighborhood who could see me right away.  My first visit was a little anxiety-inducing, because I had no idea what to expect, but now it is something that I look forward to (I am still going to this day).  The place I go to is small and hidden in the corner of an old medical plaza and the doctor is a very old school acupuncturist who has been doing this since 1990 (I read an article about him in the waiting room and could hardly recognize the photo of him).  This was my first real experience with eastern medicine but I am convinced there is something to it.  For anyone who hasn't tried acupuncture before, it's really not bad.  The needles are long and thin (about the thickness of a human hair) and they go in so quickly you can't feel it except for the split-second that they connect to the energy source or nerve.  If you are having a flare up, those nerves may be more sensitive and painful, but in general I didn't experience any pain in my sessions.  The doctor would put in the needles (about 20-30) and leave me under a heat lamp for 30+ minutes.  After he came in and removed them he would do cupping on the spots that had the most sensitivity--my lower back and my left butt cheek.  I've had cupping done before at physical therapy, but this was authentic Chinese cupping where he lit a match under the cup in order to achieve suction. After a few minutes of cupping he did a quick acupressure massage (like the cheap reflexology massages everyone is so into these days) and lastly, he applied magnetic needles.  The look like little circle/spot bandaids, but they have tiiiiiny little needles that stay stuck in your skin until they fall off in the shower a few days later.  I've had trouble with these because I do a lot of floor time in yoga and pilates, so they poke me and cause a lot of pain during class (so I usually take them out after 24 hours).  The doctor always prescribes herbs based on your condition, so I have been taking a root/herb medley 3x per day for the past month.  I wish I could say that acupuncture has eradicated the pain and numbness in my legs but it hasn't gone away entirely.  My left leg has improved immensely but now my left rib cage/back are numb (no tingling) so as of today we've started targeting that spot.  While my primary concern and reason for trying acupuncture was my leg numbness and tingling, we've also started doing treatment for anxiety and depression, which involves putting needles in my face.  It's not as bad as it sounds, I promise! 

After a lot of research, I've realized my numbness/tingling could be a side effect of my medication.  I've also decided I do not want to be on Lexapro anymore, since the pros do not come close to outweighing the cons.  With consent from my primary doctor I've tapered down from 10MG to 5MG and I already feel much better.  I don't really see my depression lessening, but the drowsiness is almost completely gone (which makes it more bearable).  The same time I switched my dose was also when I noticed the numbness shift from my leg to my ribs, so that's when I started putting the dots together.  I am curious to see if it will stop once I've worked my way off Lexapro completely.  I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in early March (that was the soonest I could get in to see anyone!) at which point I plan to discuss whether I'm still a good candidate for an SSRI or if I can be off of it, given everything going on in my life this coming year.  While I am disinclined to be on a prescription medication, I can admit that it may be what I need for the next year or two, and hopefully I can be off of it relatively soon after that. 

In addition to acupuncture, talk therapy, EMDR and medication, I've also been keeping up with yoga.  I've been practicing yoga for 2 years now and it has become a huge relief for me since my two hip surgeries which left me unable to run recreationally.  While I started going for the calorie burn and physical benefits, I quickly learned it was more helpful for my mind and for learning breathing techniques.  When I am having a panic attack, I know I can breathe my way out of it.  I do Bikram yoga, commonly referred to as hot yoga, and it is amazing for stretching out sore muscles and sweating out toxins (be it literal or figurative).  I feel pleasantly exhausted and relaxed after class.  I've been trying to go 3 times a week but sometimes I physically have no energy (thanks, Lexapro) so I've really only been going twice a week (I hope to increase that!).

So now that I've written a long, seven paragraph blog about all the things going wrong with me, I guess I could explain why I'm writing.  1, I really don't want to forget all of this.  Another side-effect of my medication is that I have been having trouble remembering things; I'm not as sharp (mentally) as I normally am.  I want to remember what happened and what I did to "fix" it, and if somehow this can help someone going through something similar, that's definitely an added bonus. 2, I want to explain that this is the most progressive and radical self-care I've ever been able to practice, and more people should start taking care of themselves sooner than later.  So many people have come out of the woodworks since I've shared about this on social media, but it scares me how many people aren't getting the help that they need.  I always thought self-care meant getting a massage or having my nails done while kicking back on the weekend with a nice drink.  Basically I thought it meant taking a "cheat day" from real life and its stresses.  What I've realized over the past two months is that self-care is so much more than that, and is so, so important.  It's about being brutally honest with yourself and taking steps to nurture and take care of your soul.  I heard a quote today that self-care is the opposite of the golden rule--don't treat yourself any different (or less) than you would treat someone else.  As a person who habitually people-pleases and goes out of my way to serve others, this hit home and made a lot of sense.  So often I put my needs last or I minimize the severity of the things going on in my brain because I don't want to make time to work on it.  I also worry about money a lot, and have a hard time spending money on mental health.  This is so backwards!  You can't pour out of an empty cup, and you can't have a sustainable, joyful life if your brain is sick or suffering.  Instead of seeing these things as momentary "fixes" for my current situation, I am writing this blog because I want to challenge myself to continue seeking out lasting self-care practices.  What good is it to gain the whole world, but lose your soul?  Why do I allow myself to treat myself as poorly as I do?  I want to practice three things radically this year {and after}: honesty, self-care, and self-love.