The Holidays are Upon Us

Confession: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and while I am extremely thankful for my many blessings, this may or may not be my least favorite holiday.  I think it started with the fact that I don't really like turkey (or stuffing, or cranberries, or giblets, or pie) and compiling that with being made to watch football all day, it's just not my ideal.  Of course I still eat and of course I enjoy my numerous tryptophan-induced naps, but my favorite thing about Thanksgiving is the fact that it signals the start of the CHRISTMAS holiday season!  I don't know why I get so excited about that one, probably something having to do with classical conditioning at a young age, associating this time of year with presents (which for a young child is just the top of the tops), but I am ALL ready for tree-decorating with my husband tomorrow night... :P

Speaking of husband, I can't believe it has been almost an entire month since his birthday! His birthday is usually the day that signals the start to "our" holidays, and this year was followed closely by the election, halloween, veteran's day, and numerous other family birthdays.  I tried to convince him to go to the Stinking Rose, which is a lovely restaurant in LA that specializes in....garlic (we LOVE garlic and using way-too-much garlic in our dishes), but he only desired an afternoon in and to cook dinner for some of our close friends.  So that was that...

James would much rather have a waffle and bacon birthday cake over anything else... Hence :]  

Happy 24th, my love!

I can't believe we have been married almost four months now...time really does fly. I can't put into words the type of change that takes place but I see it when I look back and I see it when I hang out with old friends.  We've been so busy over here--I graduate in 1 month!!--but amidst the busyness we are still having so much fun.  This year I am so thankful for James, for our tiny home together, for our close friends who have stuck with us and encouraged us every step of the way, and ultimately for our heavenly father who has done more in our life together than we could have ever done on our own.

Thoughts on joining the Green Empire, & how God is Awesome

I know this is one of my longer posts, but in order to avoid telling this story countless more times than I have energy for, I have decided to just write it all down here, for everyone to read. 

Back in July, my boyfriend James told me to quit my job at Jamba.  I didn't listen to him.
He asked me again in October, but I said it would be okay and I stayed.
By December he was practically begging me to give my two-weeks notice, but apparently I am one of the most stubborn girlfriends around, or maybe I just don't know how to help myself.


I guess having a stressed out, worn down, anxiety-ridden girlfriend who constantly needs cheering up isn't that fun.  Who would've known?

Truth is, I had been feeling pulled in that direction (to leave my job) since July as well, but had been extremely reluctant to trust God in this area of my life.  This job, since being promoted to manager, had been my first "big girl" job, and had allowed me to become financially stable and independent.  I was in no way prepared to give up that security.  So instead I sat around and complained to anyone and everyone that would listen or sympathize.

This May would mark three years with Jamba Juice, and while I am thankful for the opportunities and experiences that have grown me and helped me gain perspective, it has been painful and arduous for the past year and I feel as if I have been run into the ground.  My Christmas Eve shift was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Whether it was overbooking my already-busy schedule, becoming burned out on Jamba's overzealous new platforms, or just any of the numerous disagreements I've had with my boss (along with feelings of being extremely under-appreciated/devalued), I have been SO ready to get out of there for quite some time now.

Maybe I should have listened to James and given my notice back in the summer, but truth is, I was scared.  I'm still scared, but realizing that I don't need to be.  I was scared to quit without something else lined up, I  was scared to put my foot down when I noticed shady deviations from Jamba protocol, and I was scared to stand up for myself and for what was right.  I realize I might be fighting a life-long battle against people pleasing, but as far as Jamba is concerned, I'm finally OUT!
I put in my two-weeks notice on January 1st; how's that for a New Year's Resolution?!  It was honestly one of the biggest feelings of relief I have ever felt.

Before taking the leap I prayed day and night, up and down, that I wasn't making a mistake.  One of our pastors, Tim Springer, gave a very convicting sermon about Jeremiah 29 (on THE SAME MORNING that I submitted my notice), teaching on being content with knowing that God's will sometimes involves suffering and doing things that we don't want to do.  He gave the example of being stuck working graveyard shifts at a job that he didn't like, for much longer than he ever expected, but realizing it was God's plan for him to stay there.  I was unsure and confused about what God wanted of me and I was a wreck.  But I kept praying.

I remember driving to work on my first shift after submitting my notice; I was crying all alone in my car, thinking, "what the heck have I done?" I prayed something along the lines of, "God, I'm scared.  I'm so so scared that I've made a mistake, or that I am going to be unemployed forever--or at least for a long, long time--and that I won't be able to get married or move out or even feed myself for much longer. Please guide me; if this is your will, please validate this decision.  I'm so scared."

I kept my composure as many coworkers, family members, and friends asked me what I possibly had in store that was better for me than a managerial position, and admittedly I lied a few times.  I said I had small jobs that could probably get me by for a few months, and I continued to push the fact that I am almost graduated and that I am just going to truly focus on school.  (That is not a lie by any means, but it definitely wasn't my hope.)  But on the inside I was freaking out, and all I could do was keep praying...

In what can only be described as something purely divine, my prayers were heard and answered in a way I could have never arranged on my own.  Before I even had a day off to begin my job hunt, I was offered a job at Starbucks (and if you know me well enough, you will know I have dreamt of this job for years and have been applying ever since I was of age to work there--I LOVE STARBUCKS).  The Starbucks manager walked into Jamba and offered me a job, on the spot--something she says she has never done in her life.

The praying continued and the nervousness increased.  I guess you're thinking I'm crazy... someone offers you a new job after you just quit your old job, you should be ecstatic, right?  Well I wasn't.  I was excited to have a front to hide behind, but I was extremely nervous that this would take me out of the frying pan and into the fryer, or something like that.  James and I began to pray that things with Starbucks would only continue to develop if it was truly what God had planned for me, and that if nothing transpired it would be because there were other things in the works that I needed to be patient and wait for.

Today has been filled with an enormous amount of prayer and support from friends and family, for which I cannot even begin to express my thankfulness.

I interviewed at Starbucks in Belmont Shore at 1:00pm and by 5:00pm the manager was calling to offer me the job, which I happily accepted.  (The praying didn't stop there, and it will surely be continuing as I enter this new chapter of life.)  As I worked my second-to-last closing shift tonight, I couldn't help but float around with a fat grin on my face knowing that all my worrying and fear was in vain, just like Philippians 4:6 says it will be.

My first day at Starbucks will be on February 6th, giving me three solid weeks to recuperate and heal this sprained ankle/tendon that I have been nursing since Christmas.  The manager seems great, and the thing that I [already] love most about her is that she truly cares about the well-being of her employees and wants them to be happy and able to give 100% (hence the time off to recuperate and transition); no working when you are sick!  The benefits are extremely appealing, and the coffee-shop atmosphere makes my heart want to discount-double-check.  (Did I just make a football reference?)  Oh what a nice, refreshing change this will be.. :]

I don't know if Starbucks will be the fulfillment of Bucket List #17 (Work at a Job I Love), or if it will be just another marker on the journey I call Life, but I am looking forward to it.  Immensely.  Partially because it allows me to escape Jamba, but also because of all the novelty it contains, and for the learning experiences I'm sure will come.  Please join me in praying for this transition, or just check back here for updates.  :]

To close, God is good (so good), all the time.  Don't be like me; trust in Him the first time and save yourself a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

PS- If you have never shared a Starbucks experience with me, something is wrong with our relationship.

Me and Starbs, we go way back.

Tommy and I (last week), observing the transition back into white cups.

My hoard of Red Cups, perhaps unhealthy/unsanitary.

My excitement over the return of Red Cups this year.

Making new friends via Starbucks Coffee Dates.  I'm notorious for these.

Starbucks as midterm-season pick-me-up, and secret weapon of doting boyfriend.

Starbucks On-the-Go: a must for any extended car ride!

Exploring Starbucks in other cities--always exciting.  Above, Melissa and Me taking shelter from the cold San Fran winds.

Starbucks to get you going in the morning at work -- Deb and I welcoming the new face of Starbucks (e.g. Garamond Font and new Green Sleeves).

Starbucks in the Summer.

And last but not least, falling in love with a Starbucks Barista when you are 15-and-a-half years old, beginning an unhealthy and expensive addiction to coffee drinks and coffee shops, only to drain all of the babysitting money I ever saved, and end up with no love to show for it!

I bet Jesus would've drank Starbucks.

My Best [Academic] Week Ever

Forgive me for bragging, and I do admit this is a tad conceited, but I have to say--I rocked it this week, academically speaking.

For the past few weeks straight I feel like I have been running around frantically missing one class to study for another, breaking a date here or there to do reading in my bed, or more recently--pulling all nighters to finish long essays the night before they are due.  I was worrying that it was going to be in vain, but today I got a great dose of positive Reality!

People usually exaggerate their results on tests, but purely honest, this week alone I got:
-Highest score in the class on my statistics midterm... setting the curve :]  (Me, math?!?! What?!)
-94/95 on my HDev 357i midterm
-A+ (and a "this is EXCELLENT!") on my Psy 333 essay
-10+ (and a "this made my brain tingle!") on my Soc 335i Reaction Paper
-and to finish it off, today I received a 93% on my Psy 335i midterm that I just took this Monday.  I know it's an A-, but there were only 4 A's in the entire class and this Prof is NOTORIOUS for wicked hard tests... needless to say, I was soaring today :]

It's pretty amazing what God will do if you just give him space.  At the women's retreat one of the things that I took away was that I needed to incorporate God in my busyness instead of telling him to hold on.  I had been putting Him on hold while I tried to tackle my todo lists and study sessions and I was feeling more and more burdened.  When I rearranged my priorities and reorganized so that I was allowed to balance, REST, and ENJOY life..... the world didn't come to an end after all :]

Decisions, Decisions

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."
                                                                        --Isaiah 26:3

Listening to Pastor Greg speak on Sunday made me think about life and how I am going about it.  He spoke on how God doesn't always give us answers when we want them; he wants us to be okay living a life without all the answers and the details but still living for him in everything.  I took this to mean that if we are seeking Him and trusting Him in everything we do, he trusts us to use our spiritual wisdom that we have gained up to this point in order to make wise decisions.  He will either validate our decision or reject it, and sometimes He doesn't seem to do much at all.  But in those moments that's where I feel like we grow even more, and where we learn the most.  "If I've learned anything from my past it's that ______."  You don't know how many times I use that line.  But it was in those moments that God stepped back, was a little ambiguous and let me make my decisions, that I learned about myself and God's plan.  And I either sank or swam, and my life is what I have to show for it.  We are so blessed to have a God that truly searches our hearts and knows us better than we know ourselves, and that we can trust in Him to direct our plans and keep us accountable.

My Oh My

I don't even have the words to explain my emotions at this moment, but all I can say is that God has a weird sense of humor, and I am blessed beyond comprehension.

And with that,

GO PADRES!

I Could Play the Background

Many conversations with close friends have led me to write today.  I feel like for so many people the "home stretch" is so defeating and stressful and staying afloat and calm is a distant possibility.  I'm not necessarily concerned about schoolwork, or even work-work, but I feel like the tension and hype of everyone else's worries puts me in a state of worry and if I am not overfunctioning I feel I'm not doing enough.

A while back I had a conversation with a friend about why people care about the issues that they do care about, but seemingly ignore other causes.  I know I personally struggle with accepting people that engage in certain lifestyles/addictions but at the same time I think very little of people that listen to rap music (in terms of, I don't think they are bad for doing so).  But then I have met others who scold me for even possessing certain songs in my itunes library, yet they show no concern for issues of maintaining physical purity in relationships.  That was a very round-about-example way of saying I have observed lately that we all have our "causes" that are close to our hearts, but that not everyone's hearts are aligned and often that is where we get into squabbles.  We all look for certain things in the world--we all look for  ways in which we can assess whether our friends are "failing" or "succeeding," based on our own personal plights and "issues."  My friend James says that we tend to be sensitive to whatever it is that brought us to Christ.  As in, we tend to have "go-to" explanations and defenses for the things that we have come out of, or that we've dealt with, but this often lends itself to an attitude of ignorance or just uncaring about many other issues.  I feel like I want to get better about that.  I want to understand new causes.  I want to have a heart after God.  Call me heartless but I can't tell you how many videos I've watched on Invisible Children or diseased people in Africa, and I see the hurt, but it stops there.  I have never had a heart for missions, but I think the deeper thing is that I just don't have that heart for suffering people.  I want to change that, amongst other things.  The other side of that coin is that I want to stop letting my "causes" hurt me and distract me from God's grace.   This Easter Sunday Pastor Greg spoke on God's desire for a relationship with us, and how often we let things get in the way.  There are issues that cloud us from seeing God the way we should, and because of this we don't trust Him with certain areas of our lives.  I want to stop worrying about my issues and just be still where He has me.

Speaking with another friend I mentioned that I just feel "chilled out" right now.  I feel like between school and work and relationships there isn't really much that I am pursuing or giving my attention/efforts to, and I like that.  I like just being still and being calm.  That's not to say that I don't get excited or upset by things, but I feel like life is a lot easier when you allow God to be in control.  I don't always know what that looks like, but right now I know it means focusing on learning about who He is and regaining myself.  Not focusing on myself, in a self-absorbed way, but just allowing myself to grow alone.  I have this thing where I get very easily upset when my friends seemingly ignore me or stop pursuing me.  It has driven me to a lot of crazy limits, probably the most drastic being the deletion of my Facebook, because it really matters to me that friends be tangibly there for me and not take me for granted.  But James also pointed out to me that God gives us what we need when we need it, but we don't always need what we think we need.  God has given me the friends that I need while I needed them, but now that I'm getting stronger I don't really need them in the same way.  And that's where the "growing alone" comes in to play.  I love fellowship and I love my friends, but I also am learning to enjoy developing an exclusive relationship with my Savior, and allowing Him to get me through these hard times.  When God gives you something, be it a job, a relationship, a peace, or even comfort, that is always the best form of that thing because no one else can take that from you.

In small groups last week we talked about worry.  We learned not to worry but to seek God's kingdom.  Even one week ago... 7 days ago... I had a hard time understanding and applying this lesson.  But in just a week He's revealing this to me more and more.  As much as I fight it and I am naturally inclined to disbelieve it, this life is not about me.  It's not about my happiness, my relationship status, my job, my success, my friends, or my achievements.

I think God takes those "causes" and "issues" that we hold close to our heart, and He uses those to keep us close to Him.  My mom always says that she knows God gives her "money problems" because that keeps her close to Him.  I think my issue is relationships (not boy-girl dating relationships--ALL relations between me and close others).  When any of my relationships change I usually grow distant or closer to God.  I think I also struggle with being seen as a success, and not in terms of jobs and money, but in terms of gaining approval from others that I am living a good life.  This puts a lot of unnecessary stress on me, and THAT is what got my heart in small groups last week.  I stress and worry when I don't trust God.  I stress and worry when I feel that I have to take things on myself in order to be a success.

If I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed, and no longer trust in You, but only trust in me.  And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction, paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothing.  You pull my card--I'm bluffing, you know what's in my hand, me--I just want to trust you; you cause the dice to land.  I'm in control of nothing, I'll follow you at any cost; some call it sovereign will, all I know is you're the boss.  But man I'm so at ease, I'm so content, I play the background like it's an instrument...

Life is here and Life is now.

I am finding out the hard way that the more I try to make this about homework, or promotions, or getting my house cleaned, the more God screams in my face "life is here, life is now!"  I feel I am blessed to count on both hands the number of people that I have deep emotional friendships with, but with that comes responsibility in love.  We take care of each other.  Sure, lately I have needed to receive more than I have been giving, but when I am needed I feel as if I can't do anything else.  God put me in these people's lives for a reason, and vice versa.  Yes, I have a 7 page paper due in twelve hours.  Yes, I have neglected to do my independent study for the week.  Yes, I am low on sleep and my house is a mess..... So what?!

God is showing me new things every day; some more personal than others.  While I have responsibilities in life, I also have to acknowledge that life is happening as we speak (or, as I type).  People are real and they hurt too.  We are called to love them and to take care of each other.  Here's to another semester with straight A's thrown to the wind!

"God speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world" --C.S. Lewis

Today was a first-in-a-long-time that I have been waiting for, for a long time.  You know the uncertainty involved when you ask God for something to be revealed, or you ask for His Spirit as you embark on something you wouldn't otherwise be able to do, or when you ask God to reassure you of a decision you've made?  Well I was in a combination of all three of those things this morning, and by the afternoon it was clear as day what God was showing me, and it was beautiful.


When people write like this I have a tendency to either roll my eyes or else sigh in hopes that one day I could feel that sure of something.  But today it happened for me.


;)

You can't see the Forest through the Trees

Umm..hello 2011.  I guess you didn't hear me when I asked you to be gentle.  But in a way, I suppose I'm already at work on those resolutions?


God has an awful sense of humor.  He has an amazing way of humbling me and putting things in perspective.  Things that mattered to me 48 hours ago do not matter to me anymore.  


Breathe in  Breathe out




Psalm 34
"¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; 
   he delivers them from all their troubles. 
¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all; 
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
   not one of them will be broken."