Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The last drop.

Looking back I suppose I will say this was a good breakup, and that I was blessed to have it go so well.  But it sure doesn't feel that way when you're in it.  I am thankful we are civil and I am thankful that family relationships weren't affected, but man was I thrown for a loop.  I will not use a blog to vent about what went wrong, but I will say that I am still hurting and feeling betrayed.  I think about where we went wrong and I try to pinpoint the times that I silenced God's quiet voice.  I am realizing the people that we hurt and the relationships that might never be fixed because of our selfishness.  I think if nothing less this was a lesson I wouldn't have learned any other way, so glory to God for that.

What do you do with all of the fragments of feelings that pass through your days and play yo-yo with your heart?  What do you do with the seemingly unrequited feelings of nostalgia, but at the same time the bitterness and anger?  Is it okay to just stop caring completely?  How does one move on ignoring a friendship that momentarily ran so deep?  Sometimes I feel like I am living half a life, but doing my darndest to feel that it's more.  Other times I feel a wholeness like it never happened.. in the blink of an eye it started and then it was over.  And we were never on the right foot.

I think I'm about ready to give it back.  I think I'm ready to give it up and reclaim my life.  Dabda? Let's move right on to that final A please.

But not without one last remark..
"Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you.  Counting my footsteps and praying the floor won't fall through..again.  My mother accused me of losing my mind but I swore I was fine...well maybe it's me, and my blind optimism to blame. Or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away. And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand, and I'll look back in regret, how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can. Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong. Don't you think nineteen's too young to be played by your dark twisted games when I loved you so? I should have known. You are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry, and never impressed by me acing your tests. All the friends that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes cause you've burned them out.
Don't you think I was too young? I should have known."