Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Thoughts

2010 took me by storm.  I think somewhere inside of me something made the bold dare,  "let's see if we can pack more change into one year than we have in the last 19," and it happened.  I ran in a marathon, cut all my hair off, led worship at church, moved out on my own, got in a car crash, and revamped my previous life-plans, to name a few.  Here's to hoping that 2011 produces just as much growth, but in a more gentle manner, with fewer tears and tantrums.

Here it is, my list for 2011.

New Year's Resolutions:

  • No texting and driving at all.
  • No buying new books until the "old books" are read
  • Be undivided
  • Get rid of personal hurts (Evaluate the relationships that I am in.  Determine whether they are worth pursuing, act on this determination.)

New Year's Goals:

  • Develop fruits of the Spirit. (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, GentlenessSelf-Control)
  • Run in another marathon
  • Reclaim my GPA
  • Moisturize
  • Discover a new hobby and do it
  • When I have a thirst for knowledge about a subject, quench it, do not let it slip away
  • Revitalize my prayer life
  • Work smarter, not harder

Things I'm Praying for in the New Year:

  • A new job; independence from my parents
  • to be filing for graduation in December
  • to reach my seventh graders on a new level
  • Improved health (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual)
  • Plans for my future, post-graduation
  • Healthy, loving friendships to develop

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Can you keep a secret?

this is what my mind really looks like

On the menu today:

(Pour Homme)

("The last thing I need is a disrespectful man." -Me)

So inspirational, but she's not even real

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Shedding My Winter Coat

Well, for all that were wondering, I have provided documentation of my vendetta against women needing to shave in the winter.  If you think about it, what is the point?  I wear pants EVERY day, even to bed, and nobody is touching my legs.  Also, once the hair has grown past a certain point, it is no longer prickly but rather soft and fluffy, like man leg hair.  But mine never got that bristly.

So I have not shaved since Halloween, which puts me at...almost two months exactly.  I noticed that between the one month and two month period, not much growth occurred.  It seems that once it reached its current length, it just stopped.

I have just today shave ONE leg!  It took about twenty minutes in the shower, and after much frustration and boredom I decided to wait until tomorrow to begin on the second leg.

Despite what I thought would happen, my hair has grown in very light and and soft.  I thought it was going to be dark and thick, the way it first grows in when it gets prickly.

This photo had been "doctored" so that you actually BELIEVE that I did this.  I enhanced the contrast and definition so that you can see the difference in hair length.

This photo is untouched, just to show how little the hair would actually show if I decided to wear shorts. I could hardly see it unless it was under direct light.

The BF demands that this change... and for that reason along with the fact that I'm going swimming on New Year's Eve, I have had to shed my comfy winter coat.  Until Next Year!  

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas and Jesus and Me

This past week has pushed my limits as an introvert, by far.  I don't think I've gotten an ounce of "alone time" since last Monday, a week ago, and now I am feeling frazzled.  Pardon me while I retreat for a few days...

This Christmas was wonderful and terrible at the same time.  It was wonderful because I felt like my family has been doing better than ever and we were able to have an extremely happy Christmas season (my mom wasn't even too much of a Grinch!), and of course I got many wonderful gifts ;)  I got to have 3 Christmas family celebrations (Here in SD, in LB with Heather, and also with Andrew's family) I ate my share of delectable treats.  But aside from that, it wasn't too special.  Despite many efforts to make it feel like Christmas (cue personalized Christmas CD, walking Christmas Card Lane, drinking raspberry mochas, playing Mannheim Steamroller with my Dad, making chocolates for friends, decorating and smelling winter smells, etc.) it just never happened for me.  For the first time in my life I was up early on Christmas and I had to wake up everyone else, but I was crabby about it and they whole day was mostly a blur that I was happy do be done with.  I have NEVER had that feeling about Christmas day.

But I think what bothered me, and what is still bothering me, is that I can't get my heart in the right place about it.  I have spent time praying and reading and thinking and meditating and just really trying to understand what Christmas means, and what it meant, and while I can literally grasp the concepts, I can't emotionally grasp them.  I thought that this year would be different.  This year was a transformation year of sorts and I really expected to have a supernatural Christmas, but no such thing visited my heart.

I have stripped myself of internet sites (aside from Blogger of course!), I have cut TV near entirely out of my life, and I have been trying to put more effort into the things I am doing (as opposed to spreading myself out and doing things half-heartedly), but to what avail?  I think I was trying to get a sense of who I really am when I don't have so many outside voices telling me who I am or what I do, or what I should feel good about and what I should feel bad about, and I was trying to prioritize without distraction.  I am still trying to prioritize.  And I have found that I only want a few things.....

Stay Tuned... 2011 New Year's Resolutions are up next.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

To look back, and think that, this Baby would one day save me

And with this Christmas wish is missed the point I could convey; if only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life because...

Here's where You're finding me in the exact same place as New Year's Eve and from a lack of my persistency we're less than half as close as I wanna be

The first time that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior?  And the first breath that left Your lips, did You know that it would change this world forever?

I celebrate the day that you were born to die, so I could one day pray for you to save my life.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Please don't think of my next paragraph as something heretical or blasphemous; it is merely the product of a day of introspection on what I pray for and why.  Sometimes I feel like prayer becomes a list of requests, which makes is seem daunting and tedious and I often avoid doing it.  So then I think, this can't be right.

What if prayer is little more than a meditation process that allows us time to organize our thoughts and feel like someone out there has heard our pleas?  If God already has a set plan for our lives, and already knows the course we are going to take and what prayers we are going to pray, what does prayer actually do?  Does God “change his mind,” so to speak?  I've heard people say this, but I feel like it's something we have invented as a solution to something we don't understand.  I feel good after I pray; I have a good feeling of calmness inside of me, but is that the Holy Spirit working in me or is that my brain thanking me (and thus calming me down) for giving it time to process thoughts on my life?  Does prayer work like a democracy…in terms of, if enough people pray for the same thing to happen, does God decide to grant it?  If not, if it doesn’t matter how many people pray for something, why pray collectively at all?  If God is omniscient and knows what we are thinking at all times, why must there be formalized communication in the form of prayer?  I understand prayers of thanks and acknowledgment, but praying in the manner of a request just seems futile sometimes.  I pray, but I find myself loading my prayers with disclaimers and contingencies.  “God, if it’s our will, please allow this situation to go as I want, but if I am not wanting the proper thing, please let me realize what You want for me, and let Your will be done.”  Why pray for what I want at all?  Am I praying wrong?  I know there are infinite passages of scripture on the power of prayer, but I suppose you could say this is just one of those concepts that I can't fully wrap my head around.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

SALE: Friends! Buy one, get one free!



Friends, please, wake up and see this glaring reality!  What is happening to us?  I will tell you: we are slowly becoming an unbalanced society; everyone wants to be wanted, but no one is pursuing the want-ables!

Facebook is cheapening your friendships.  I can attest to a few things:

Prior to deleting my Facebook:
 1) I found out all major news/events in my peers' lives via Facebook, or word-of-mouth from someone else that saw this news on Facebook.
 2) When I wrote someone an email or a message I felt that I had met my quota for the week/month/year and that I no longer needed to be with this friend in person in order to catch up on our lives.
 3) I posted things on Facebook with the expectation that everyone would see them, so I no longer cared to inform my friends when important events took place in my life.
 4) Facebook gave me a general sense of community; I felt like I was with 150 friends every day and that I had all of the information about them that I needed.

These are such false senses of security!  We have stopped pursuing our closest friends because we have substituted the Internet in their place.  We find ways to jam pack each day and we do not factor in time to socialize and build relationships because we take them for granted and assume the Internet can fill that void.  This is so wrong!

Social networking sites have their advantages, and they do serve a good purpose.  But at what cost?  It is great that you can keep your extended family and long-distance friends updated instantly, but what about the people that you call your "close friends?"  How often do we really set aside time to with JUST one person at a time to find out where they are at?

I think I have four real friends.

I feel like my "friends" no longer think it is necessary to communicate with me.  Deleting my Facebook has shown me who my friends are.  Or rather, it's shown me where peoples' priorities lie.  It is very easy to find me, when you need something that I can give you.  Yeah, we have busy schedules. Yeah, you aren't my boyfriend and you aren't my best friend.  But at one time you poured out your heart and you told me I was an important part of your life.  So why don't you act like it?  Maybe this is my love language, maybe it's just how I was raised; if you care about me you will pursue me and keep in TOUCH.

I don't think that I am any kind of exception to this.  We all want to be wanted.  I love it when people seek ME out as opposed to me always having to tex or call them.  We all want to know that someone is thinking about us often.  Here I differ and I say that I don't want to just be a name that you think about as you scroll by me in the news feed.  I want to be pursued, I want to be loved.  Please stop throwing this word around, please start cherishing your friends. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Something I Think About

Whenever I watch movies where the main character is either sick or hungover, resulting in a sick day where they sleep the day away in bed, I am overcome with the desire to be in that situation.  Now that is an awful thing to say.
I don’t understand it but the idea of an entire day of selfish rest is so seductive to me.  A day where I don’t have any obligations or tasks, where I don’t have to please anyone but myself, where I get to sleep, eat, and heal,… sadkfjhsdfkjh AH! I just want one of those days!
I remember when I was in my freshman year philosophy class and my teacher said that our minds are capable of great things.  If you are a hypochondriac that constantly worries about getting cancer, or (at the time) H1N1, you have a greater chance of actually contracting that illness because dwelling on those type of thoughts has an interesting effect on our brains.  Our brains see in images, not words or thoughts.  Therefore, what we see is what we get.  When a cigarette smoker sees the “no smoking” sign (a cigarette with a slash through it), it immediately compels them to want to take a smoke break.  The image of a cigarette places that thought process in motion.  When someone asks you what you want to eat, don’t reply “anything but Chinese food!” because then they immediately picture their plate of shrimp fried rice, and all of a sudden they are in the mood for some.  Our brains take images and turn them into reality.  They are trying to help us out, but sometimes something goes wrong.  If you picture yourself sick in bed with the flu, your body (this is scientific) lowers its resistance and actually makes itself viable to contracting a disease or illness, so that it can acquire for you what you want, or what you keep thinking about. 
It's interesting for me to think about.  It’s an interesting perspective.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


When I am upset or violated or hurt in some way, it is very hard to let go.  I wouldn't call it a grudge, persay, but I definitely remember it and I consider it the next time that I see this person, or the next time I am in this situation.

In a categorical sense, each violation is similar to a balloon in the fact that it will keep growing bigger and bigger over time and I begin to feel [inside] as if I am going to pop.  And sometimes I do.  I pop and let it out and whoever happens to be around will get the brunt of my anger.

But if you happen to be the person who has violated me, I think all that I want is an apology.  Because I notice that as soon as I get this apology, while I maintain the memory of it, I deflate quickly and we move along.  It's simple, really.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

My Thoughts on Third World Suffering

About a month ago my geography class watched a documentary on something relating to the blood diamonds of Africa, and the brutality involved.  My memory is a little hazy as to how this correlates, but there was a certain part where the hands, arms, and feet of certain children were being chopped off to pay the debt that they or their parents owed to the government.  I cringed while watching it and I couldn't watch much, but what's more [sad] is that I couldn't believe it...literally.  I mean, I could not fathom the idea that there are places on earth where that is actually happening and is somewhat expected.  I walked from class to my car, in comfy clothes, listening to my iPod, and when I got home I cooked myself a nice lunch and then relaxed and went on the computer.  That is NORMAL to me.  Getting limbs chopped off will never be NORMAL.

I began thinking more and more about this and what I could do, if anything, to prevent it.  And I began feeling very helpless, because I know that I alone and can't do anything.  And before you stop reading, thinking that this is just one of those blogs where I'm going to rally support and encourage us to do anything collectively about it, I'll tell you, it's not that.  I am actually kind of pathetic in the sense that I don't intend this blog to arouse any feeling of activity in anyone, or myself, I'm just trying to display my thoughts on something that upset me.  It's rare that I get "upset" like this about stuff, seeing as I'm usually very passive and calm (what an introvert!) and have been desensitized to a lot of hurt in the world.

I think about our culture and how we "view" these things that are happening in other "worlds" and how maybe for the hour that we are sitting in class, we feel sympathetic, or rather, empathetic, but then we walk out the door and forget about it.  But really, what more can we do?  I am a college student with little to no money to my name.  I am not about to go start an activist group, or get on a plane to Kenya, or send money and food to kids there.  I have insufficient resources to do anything like that.  But maybe there's more?

What bugs me is the ignorance.  I myself included, but which I notice also in so many of my peers, have become so ignorant to the suffering of anyone else other than ourselves and the people in our immediate surroundings.  Out of sight out of mind?  I call it ignorance.  Or, selective pathos.  I was about to type selective love, but I realize that is an oxy-moron, as love is never selective.

So I've start thinking about it more often.

I start thinking about my good and loving God, and how he has placed everyone where they are and for a reason.  And then I say WHY? Why me here, and them there?  He has placed me in a middle class family in suburbia, getting basically everything I want.  I kind of feel bad about the fact that I live like this when others are born into a lifestyle of suffering, but then I don't because I wasn't in charge of it.  How can I feel bad for something I did not have any part in choosing?  I think instead I feel blessed.  If I feel bad about anything, it's that I don't thank my loving God for blessing me in my circumstance.  I am blessed that I wake up in a bed and I am more than well fed, when some kids wake up in a desert forest, hungry, fearing for their life and limbs, daily.

There is nothing that I can do about their circumstance.  Sure, I can go on missions trips, or I could donate money when I eventually come into some, but realistically I know that I have to take this as a blessing and just continue praying for the others who have less.

I think that the worst possible way to respond to the blessing I have received, in living the way I do, would be to speak of others' suffering with no sensitivity, or to continue pretending like it does not exist.  To make crude jokes, which I have occasionally done, or allow others to do it themselves.  Maybe I cannot make a big difference in a flashy, opulent way, but I can pray for them and I can accept my mistreatments without complaining.  I guess the whole thing I've got here was just a new perspective.  It really makes you see your period cramps in a different way when you know there's a little girl who's not only bleeding out of her uterus but also out of her arm, where her hand used to be.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I smile at the little things about me that no one will ever know :)

So I've reached the conclusion that I am a pretty solitary person.  True, I spend much time with friends and family, or at school or church, but most of the time that I am me is when I am alone.  I only "process" to myself and I never mind alone time.  Actually, I need it.  And I don't mean that in the same way that everyone needs alone time once in a while; I mean it like when I go too long without some, I have panic attacks--I get overwhelmed so easily by people, even the ones I love.

I was also thinking about this in terms of my future (what kind of a husband wants a wife that will, often, want little or nothing to with him for a few hours now and then?) and the present.  What happens if I get a big girl job where I have to work with people all day, every day?  I tend to label myself as a hermit, since I do spend so much time alone inside, but maybe I'm just a true introvert.  I come home from school and retreat right into my bedroom while my roommate sprawls out all over the rest of the house.  When I lived at home with my parents I feel it was pretty much the same, always cooped up.  I never mind driving alone, I secretly harbored passive aggressive anger towards my dorm roommates that did not allow me time in our room, and I have noticed that I even like being alone on campus during my free times.

I don't think I'm weird or that I just sit around thinking too much, I just like to be alone a lot.  It's when I do my dreaming and my fantasizing (don't take that in a dirty way).  It's when I do the little things that make me feel like me.  I don't think there is anywhere else I would rather be than curled up on my bed reading or watching Gilmore Girls.

I suppose one way to interpret this is that if I do frequently spend time with you, you rate!  But another way to see it is as a warning to all that get close to me.  I don't mean to do this in an offensive way, although many have questioned it.  It's just who I am and I don't think it's a bad thing.