Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Thoughts

2010 took me by storm.  I think somewhere inside of me something made the bold dare,  "let's see if we can pack more change into one year than we have in the last 19," and it happened.  I ran in a marathon, cut all my hair off, led worship at church, moved out on my own, got in a car crash, and revamped my previous life-plans, to name a few.  Here's to hoping that 2011 produces just as much growth, but in a more gentle manner, with fewer tears and tantrums.

Here it is, my list for 2011.

New Year's Resolutions:

  • No texting and driving at all.
  • No buying new books until the "old books" are read
  • Be undivided
  • Get rid of personal hurts (Evaluate the relationships that I am in.  Determine whether they are worth pursuing, act on this determination.)

New Year's Goals:

  • Develop fruits of the Spirit. (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, GentlenessSelf-Control)
  • Run in another marathon
  • Reclaim my GPA
  • Moisturize
  • Discover a new hobby and do it
  • When I have a thirst for knowledge about a subject, quench it, do not let it slip away
  • Revitalize my prayer life
  • Work smarter, not harder

Things I'm Praying for in the New Year:

  • A new job; independence from my parents
  • to be filing for graduation in December
  • to reach my seventh graders on a new level
  • Improved health (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual)
  • Plans for my future, post-graduation
  • Healthy, loving friendships to develop

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Can you keep a secret?

this is what my mind really looks like

On the menu today:

(Pour Homme)

("The last thing I need is a disrespectful man." -Me)

So inspirational, but she's not even real

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Shedding My Winter Coat

Well, for all that were wondering, I have provided documentation of my vendetta against women needing to shave in the winter.  If you think about it, what is the point?  I wear pants EVERY day, even to bed, and nobody is touching my legs.  Also, once the hair has grown past a certain point, it is no longer prickly but rather soft and fluffy, like man leg hair.  But mine never got that bristly.

So I have not shaved since Halloween, which puts me at...almost two months exactly.  I noticed that between the one month and two month period, not much growth occurred.  It seems that once it reached its current length, it just stopped.

I have just today shave ONE leg!  It took about twenty minutes in the shower, and after much frustration and boredom I decided to wait until tomorrow to begin on the second leg.

Despite what I thought would happen, my hair has grown in very light and and soft.  I thought it was going to be dark and thick, the way it first grows in when it gets prickly.

This photo had been "doctored" so that you actually BELIEVE that I did this.  I enhanced the contrast and definition so that you can see the difference in hair length.

This photo is untouched, just to show how little the hair would actually show if I decided to wear shorts. I could hardly see it unless it was under direct light.

The BF demands that this change... and for that reason along with the fact that I'm going swimming on New Year's Eve, I have had to shed my comfy winter coat.  Until Next Year!  

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas and Jesus and Me

This past week has pushed my limits as an introvert, by far.  I don't think I've gotten an ounce of "alone time" since last Monday, a week ago, and now I am feeling frazzled.  Pardon me while I retreat for a few days...

This Christmas was wonderful and terrible at the same time.  It was wonderful because I felt like my family has been doing better than ever and we were able to have an extremely happy Christmas season (my mom wasn't even too much of a Grinch!), and of course I got many wonderful gifts ;)  I got to have 3 Christmas family celebrations (Here in SD, in LB with Heather, and also with Andrew's family) I ate my share of delectable treats.  But aside from that, it wasn't too special.  Despite many efforts to make it feel like Christmas (cue personalized Christmas CD, walking Christmas Card Lane, drinking raspberry mochas, playing Mannheim Steamroller with my Dad, making chocolates for friends, decorating and smelling winter smells, etc.) it just never happened for me.  For the first time in my life I was up early on Christmas and I had to wake up everyone else, but I was crabby about it and they whole day was mostly a blur that I was happy do be done with.  I have NEVER had that feeling about Christmas day.

But I think what bothered me, and what is still bothering me, is that I can't get my heart in the right place about it.  I have spent time praying and reading and thinking and meditating and just really trying to understand what Christmas means, and what it meant, and while I can literally grasp the concepts, I can't emotionally grasp them.  I thought that this year would be different.  This year was a transformation year of sorts and I really expected to have a supernatural Christmas, but no such thing visited my heart.

I have stripped myself of internet sites (aside from Blogger of course!), I have cut TV near entirely out of my life, and I have been trying to put more effort into the things I am doing (as opposed to spreading myself out and doing things half-heartedly), but to what avail?  I think I was trying to get a sense of who I really am when I don't have so many outside voices telling me who I am or what I do, or what I should feel good about and what I should feel bad about, and I was trying to prioritize without distraction.  I am still trying to prioritize.  And I have found that I only want a few things.....

Stay Tuned... 2011 New Year's Resolutions are up next.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

To look back, and think that, this Baby would one day save me

And with this Christmas wish is missed the point I could convey; if only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life because...

Here's where You're finding me in the exact same place as New Year's Eve and from a lack of my persistency we're less than half as close as I wanna be

The first time that You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior?  And the first breath that left Your lips, did You know that it would change this world forever?

I celebrate the day that you were born to die, so I could one day pray for you to save my life.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Please don't think of my next paragraph as something heretical or blasphemous; it is merely the product of a day of introspection on what I pray for and why.  Sometimes I feel like prayer becomes a list of requests, which makes is seem daunting and tedious and I often avoid doing it.  So then I think, this can't be right.

What if prayer is little more than a meditation process that allows us time to organize our thoughts and feel like someone out there has heard our pleas?  If God already has a set plan for our lives, and already knows the course we are going to take and what prayers we are going to pray, what does prayer actually do?  Does God “change his mind,” so to speak?  I've heard people say this, but I feel like it's something we have invented as a solution to something we don't understand.  I feel good after I pray; I have a good feeling of calmness inside of me, but is that the Holy Spirit working in me or is that my brain thanking me (and thus calming me down) for giving it time to process thoughts on my life?  Does prayer work like a democracy…in terms of, if enough people pray for the same thing to happen, does God decide to grant it?  If not, if it doesn’t matter how many people pray for something, why pray collectively at all?  If God is omniscient and knows what we are thinking at all times, why must there be formalized communication in the form of prayer?  I understand prayers of thanks and acknowledgment, but praying in the manner of a request just seems futile sometimes.  I pray, but I find myself loading my prayers with disclaimers and contingencies.  “God, if it’s our will, please allow this situation to go as I want, but if I am not wanting the proper thing, please let me realize what You want for me, and let Your will be done.”  Why pray for what I want at all?  Am I praying wrong?  I know there are infinite passages of scripture on the power of prayer, but I suppose you could say this is just one of those concepts that I can't fully wrap my head around.