Thursday, August 18, 2011


Reblogging the latest and greatest from Max Dubinsky, because it tickled my heart--perhaps you can tell which ones?

After years of dating, sleepless nights, anxiety, and screwing it all up, I think I finally got it right. As a result, I have decided to share with you my ten biggest mistakes with sex and dating in hopes that I have made the same mistakes twice enough for all of us.

10. I took all my sexual and dating advice from church sermons, Hollywood, and pornography. Except in fifth grade when my oldest sister, Julie, gave me the “sex talk” with a Gatorade bottle and a prescription pill bottle respectively as props. I believe she used the terms “power tool” and “tool shed.” Unfortunately, not everyone has an older sister as great as mine, and we are forced to rely on pornography’s lie and the church’s rules. God created us to have sex with one person and only one person our entire lives. And thank goodness we have marriage to help make this commitment before God. But dating muddies the waters. The Bible doesn’t talk much about dating. Seek out married couples you trust and respect for advice, counsel, and accountability.

9. I put sex on a pedestal. This isn’t hard to do. We have been lead to believe that our honeymoons and marriages should be one blurry pornographic sex romp. Hollywood tells us that anything we want can be ours. We listen to young pastors brag in their sermons about how much sex they are having with their hot wives while gratuitous sex between our favorite Hollywood stars slinks its way into our living rooms and theaters. It looks good, it looks like it feels good, and all anyone seems to do is talk about how much of it they are having. We should not be getting into relationships to have good sex. Sex is the incidental offshoot of having a good relationship.

8. I took dating too seriously. Instead of going on first dates, I went on casting calls. Every date was the search of the perfect candidate for the role of a lifetime: my future wife. I’ve done enough extensive research on this topic, and the results are proven to end disastrously 100% of the time. So take your time.

7. I didn’t take dating seriously enough. After three or four dates, it should be apparent whether or not you are compatible with the person you’ve been seeing. Either end it there, or have a talk about where they see things going with you. There is no need to hang around for ten more dates (or years) if he’s 35, still lives above his parents’ garage, and doesn’t share your beliefs, or if she already has an alarming number of cats in her apartment.

6. I dated someone who did not share my faith. But they shared all my same interests. Loved the same books and movies. Had a loving heart full of compassion and grace. Only they wanted nothing to do with God. That’s only a few inches away from loving Jesus, right? Obviously that’s why we were together. I thought I could “save” them. I could not. You can’t either.

5. I pushed my sexual boundaries. Today, after meeting the woman I know I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with, it saddens me to know that I wasted myself on others. There is something incredibly special about picking one person to give yourself entirely to out of the six billion people on this planet.

4. I thought she was interested when she really just wanted to be friends. Women, if a man you are friends with is spending a lot of time with you, dropping you off at home then talking to you for an hour in the driveway, answering your calls, and showing up every time you invite him somewhere, it’s because he is interested. In the back of our mind, we as men are always, always prepared for the possibility that something might happen between us and our female friends. So don’t be afraid to make a move. Or to make it clear to us that we really are and will always be, “just friends.” A true friend and a proper gentleman will respect that. Because we know we don’t deserve you at all. And it’s an honor that you would even think to call us a friend. But we will still secretly hope that one day you might fall for us.

3. I did not make my intentions clear from the start. When asking someone out for the first time, try the Pre-Date-Friend-Zone coffee or lunch. This is a commitment free zone that requires no follow-up phone call, no rejections, and no nonsense. If you are attracted to someone and find them interesting, let them know by asking them out for a cup of coffee on Saturday afternoon. Tell them, “I’d love get to know you more.” And arrive to your destination of choice separately. At the end of this Pre-Date you should have a dynamite understanding of who you are choosing to pursue. From there you can exchange numbers or simply exchange pleasantries. If you don’t make your intentions clear from the start, you said, “coffee,” and they heard, “chapel.”

2. I used pornography. And pornography is a lie. The same chemicals that your brain produces to bind and connect you with your spouse during sex are released when using pornography. Binding and connecting you to something that isn’t real. Connecting with a lie. The more you connect with the lie, the harder it becomes to connect with reality. This will directly affect your sex life, arousal, and your ability to perform.

1. I thought that if I stopped dating and cut women out of my life, I would meet my wife. But how can I meet my wife if I am not open to going on dates?The reason so many men and women turn to pornography is because the Christian church has lead us to believe any time spent alone with the opposite sex leads to intimacy and sex, guilt and sin. Men in particular have become so fearful of screwing up that they are eliminating any interaction they could possibly have with women. So we are now cutting out fifty percent of community thinking we are keeping ourselves safe, but in reality we are so much worse off. We turn to porn to replace the community we cut out because we believe it’s safer. I say go on dates! You’re going to need to know how to talk to your wife when you finally meet her.

I’ve learned a few other things in my dating life. Like you’re never too manly to hold her purse. Don’t ask her to cover the tip on the first date. And what to do when you’ve offered to pump her gas and accidentally spill gasoline all over your hands and shoes on the way to a house party. Travel from room to room and start every conversation with, “Man, do you smell that? I think there’s a gas leak.”


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