So, today I bought my first full-year planner, thanks to Debbie. (Debbie, my new roommate!) I started filling it out with my upcoming plans for the month, and maybe February and March, but when I ran out of immediate events I started doing the usual fill in of all my family and friend birthdays that I must remember, along with anniversaries, memorable observation days, and anything else that I can already peg long-term. Then something bizarre happened... I got sick to my stomach and really sad and uncomfortable doing it. I flipped to October 24th, to write in "Dad's 61st!", but with trembling hands. I flipped to July to fill in for my mom's birthday as well, and I accidentally, absent-mindedly wrote "Mom's 23rd!"...err...56th? I had the most uneasy feeling about it and I think it was because I am scared they won't make it. This doesn't make any rational sense, because they are both fairly healthy, but I had the worst pit in my stomach thinking that they would be dead and that these birthday prophecies would not come true. Don't even get me started on anniversaries and such...
I have only felt this feeling one other time that I can remember...kind of. I relate it to the feeling I have when I'm driving. I have only ever been in two car "accidents," one of which was more of a fender bender and the other was the legitimate accident that wrecked my baby from behind. I have never been T-boned and I have never totaled my car, but for some reason I feel like it's imminent. It's coming. I feel it when I pull up to intersections and when I turn left on a left-turn-yields. I feel it when I'm pulling out of parking spaces and I feel it when I drive through small side streets. With the rate of drunk driving and now text-driving I am scared at how much of a real possibility this is, unlike the aforementioned family-birthday-fears. It's not the normal nervousness that people feel when driving in risky situations, it is like I-know-this-is-going-to-happen-to-me-one-day. Sometimes it's enough to keep me inside for the day; it gets overwhelming. A more spiritual person might say that's a guardian angel telling me not to drive...but that's not necessarily the kind of thing I buy into. God has protected me thus far, but I know plenty of well-meaning innocent Christian lives that have been taken by car crash and I don't feel any safety aside from the fact that I know where I'm going after the pain is over. I realize this is incredibly morbid, but if I'm spending the night inside feeling bad about it I thought I'd at least vent online. Lol.
Cheers...DNR!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment